Did you know...
- ...that one of my 2011 resolutions is to be "more open"? I might look like an extrovert but actually when it comes to personal stuff I put up this huge barrier wall in front of me. It's not that I am ashamed of personal life—I just don't find it any interesting nor important to share. The main reason why I wanted to write this post is actually the first step of being more 'honest'.
- ...that I'm a bit jealous of people I see on TV who's openly tell their real stories? Still related to the first fact, that I'm very introvert but now trying to be open. Whenever I watch Oprah or any talk show, or even America's Next Top Model, I really salute those people who's not ashamed of telling their despicable past stories. It's like they sacrifice themselves so that people know their story and can learn from it. People like them surely have a really big gut to do that.
- ...that I'm suffering to anxiety and nervousness? Whenever I hear or see something 'shocking' (either exciting or annoying), I get anxious immediately—it happens all the time. And most of you won't tell it because my gesture is extremely calm (I'm good at this!). But, if I could describe or picture what's happening inside me, that would be like a volcano starts to erupt. My heart will beat so fast, and my head starts to ache. Usually I take a really deep breathe to control this. About the nervousness, I always have cold sweat and my voice will tremble (even though the latter doesn't occur clearly). I haven't done any therapy for this though.
- ...that I'm so restless even though I don't do outdoor activity too excessively? Yeah, I get tired easily, especially my brain. If only I could command my brain to stop thinking. I think it has a pretty good censor to receive any information (I have a pretty good memory I must say), but as it becomes very receptive, it also works harder because whenever I receive an information it won't just stop right there. It will start to make branches, asking for more specific info, and it won't stop working until getting the information needed.
- ...that I'm almost too well-reserved? For public appearance, being well-reserved is a good thing, but it's getting annoying when it automatically happen in the daily life. I think too much before acting—about the do's and don'ts, cost and benefit, what people will think, what people will feel, etc. But it ended real bad because I often do something based on what people think (read: I care too much of what people think). I can't easily express myself, because I'm afraid that people will get annoyed by me, or something like that. It comes out good because I can keep myself from hurting people, but still ironic because I sacrifice myself more for it.
- ...that I'm imaginative and creative? I gotta tell you, I'm quite good at making stories. I love to spend hours in front of my laptop to write something—fictional stories, fictional events that should happened, fictional characters, fictional personalities, etc. And I do it not just pointing out to my imaginary world, but also the facts. So I'm willing to read ancient mythologies, list of best schools in the world, historical events which people barely know, searching out some unknown people's names that fits into the character, etc. I wrote an imaginary epic movie trilogy like Lord of the Rings, called Ragnarok (yes, it's based on the Ragnarok Online game), and I created the full list of characters (complete with description, ancient Norse names, family tree, personal history, etc.), and of course the raw map of the full story. And then an imaginary biography of person who's rather a 'supergirl' in a real life (no it's not me, of course!). In my head right now, there are stories that haven't written yet: a story about a girl infected with HIV/AIDS who joins a rock band and fall in love with an ambitious guy who wants to be a doctor and cure the virus, a story of Elizabeth Bathory the Hungarian princess who kills and drink blood of Hungarian ladies just to look younger so her husband won't cheat on her, a girl who's dealing through the process of her parents divorce, etc etc... there are too many!
- ...that I can do multiple things in a time but hurting myself by doing it? Yes, I'm a multi-tasker. I can have a lot of projects in a time, and I will have designed the outline of them in very detailed and perfect. But in practice, something will make me stuck and finally have to sacrifice one (or even some) of the project. That 'something' would be myself. I think I have to whip myself (read: being hard on myself) not to be spoiled and procrastinating. I can be discipline, but it won't for too long. I must learn to be consistent and persistent when it comes to this!
- ...that I love too many things but makes me not able to be focused? From a rockstar to writer to world change maker to web designer to etc etc, this makes me a little indecisive. I can say that I'm now 21 and I still don't even know what I want, what I need, what I'll become. I want to just enjoy my life and try many things, but in the other hand I know the time is running out. I want my life to just flow like the water, but I can't—what if it will lead me to the wrong direction? Thankfully I already have my principles, but I don't want to be too strict because I'm afraid I won't be able to imply it to reality (you know, expectations and reality are just distinctive!)
- ...that I probably have said too much and I'm now afraid that you will be scared of me? LOL, I think these stupid facts will be enough. Now to the next stage!
If I could choose...
- ...my next place to live, that wouldn't be Jakarta. No, not at all. If I could choose I want to live in New York. Yeah, the empire state of mind. For a person like me, who's willing to work hard to make anything possible because I know it's all possible (read: an optimistic), I think New York is the best place. There's nothing you can do in New York, and people will still appreciate what you do. No stigma.
- ...my dream job, that wouldn't be dealing with politics or anything I learned in campus. Deep inside my heart, I want to be an artist (there's a significant difference of the real definition of 'artist'. In Indonesia, anyone you see on electronic cinemas—that you barely even know—is legitimate enough to be called 'artist'. And Indonesian people often describes 'artist' as a person who barely take a bath, have an eccentric manners, and rather look like a tramp. But in the real meaning, it means someone who appreciates and creates 'art'. Get it?). An artist could be anything: singer, director, actress, song writer, writer, columnist, screen play writer, fashion designer, cinematographer, dancer, presenter... I think all of them are 'artists'.
- ...my 'artistic' job, that would be an actress. Yeah, simply an actress. Especially an actress who's involved in low-budget, substantial, memorable, and likeable movies. Let's say I want to have Anna Kendrick, Rooney Mara, Emma Stone, and Kristen Stewart's (without those annoying Twilight franchise) resume rather than Keira Knightley's (even though I do adore her so much, but she has too high bar to reach—she's like an 'omega level actress'). I think it's really cool to portray someone's story that you can find in your daily life, that you can actually relate to it.
- ...my future husband, life partner, eternal love (well you name it!), that would be someone who has Ricardo Kaka's devoted faith and loyalty (but in Islam, of course :P), Shia LaBeouf's idealism for not to be materialistic, his great focus on his career, as well as his sense of humour, and then Andrew Garfield's giggles, style, easy going lifestyle, and humility. I don't know if God even created this kind of person, but if He actually did... Well... Would You please 'send' him to me? ;-D
- ...my amount of salary, that would be any amount where I can spend for myself and to make my deepest dream: helping suffered children (especially in education). I want to be like the awesome Edward Norton, volunteering and spend his spare time to help people in Africa for his own foundation. He did hold some charitable events looking for donations (through his website Crowdrise) and volunteers. And then I just found out that Rooney Mara also has her own small foundation called Faces of Kibera, to help homeless orphanage in Kenya. Wonderful people are simply wonderful...
- ...my dream house, that would be a small house inside a circle of wide green field—in which I can jog and run around it or play badminton. A house that I can clean up by myself on the weekends without any maids, and a house that is 'really me'. I definitely will make a small music studio, buy a decent set of home theatre, make a pretty big closet for my clothes, and make a small library. No need to buy luxurious furniture and such. Hopefully the hybrid (environmentally friendly) car will be much cheaper later so I can buy one. I love the simple life!
That's it. I don't want to be as rich as Ivanka Trump nor Paris Hilton. I don't want to have a jet-set, fabulous, glamorous life like what I see on Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane. I don't want to have the most perfect husband in the world. I can say that my dream seems a bit boring and common, LOL. But that's the way (uh-huh uh-huh) I like it!
OK then before I'm starting to talk write too much, I'd better stop. I just want to share my randomness with you guys, because it would be really annoying if I confessed them all by mouth. Writing them all is way better. Hopefully my 2011 resolution will be succeed. Have a nice day!! xoxo
